Sometimes people make me feel like I am silly putty in their hands for their personal use, somewhat like a piece of play-doh to mold and sculpt and use and throw around as they please. Well I want to know what is the advantage of that for me? How does it help me to allow people to walk all over me? I’m not trying to be selfish but sometimes I need to stick up for myself. The hard part is, I care about these people, I truly do. It just feels as though they care about me when and if it is convenient and that is just not good enough for me.
These people, these sculptors, expect so much of me. They want me to jump when they command it. They want me to talk to them when it is convenient for them. They want me to be happy, be sad, give advice, shut up. They want and expect and command and desire. They mold and they shape; they pull and they prod, trying to get the best results. My relationships with them are based purely upon their requests and to me, this is no relationship at all. I feel as though no matter how much I care, these problems are incurable.
Now, this isn’t some pity party meant to make people say, “Awe, so sad, Meghan is upset.” I am not upset. I am just finally saying what I think, finally jumping up on that soap box and screaming my feelings to the world. This is a way for me to tell these people without actually telling these people that I will not tolerate it any longer. And perhaps they will stumble across this and read it and know that this is how I feel. I am tired of knowing that they can get what they desire from our relationship and simply win. That they can be content with their control, when I need something more or, sometimes, something less. A relationship goes two ways buddy, so you can’t be head honcho. If that is something you are looking for then you won’t get it here with me.
Shelly our talk this evening inspired me to stop letting people take the reins and so easily get what they want out of me. So. That is the end of that. No more mister nice Meghan. I won’t put up with it any longer.
On another note, summer is merely days away and there are no words that I can say to express my joy and relief. The true purpose of this blog is about to be fulfilled. Senior year is coming, and I feel like I am ready. I am ready to document it all and spend every minute of it with you Shelly. Let’s finish out this year strong so that next year will come and we can finally live it! No more speculating! It is coming!