Posted by: shellyweave | August 17, 2010

a year

is how long it took for me to become the child of a stressed marriage, a child of separation, a child of an adulterer, a child of divorced parents, a child of a man that was seeing a stranger in a state miles and miles away, a child of a father engaged to that stranger, and now a child of a man married to that stranger, at least as of the end of this month.

and yet i do not feel like that child at all.

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You know that feeling you get when everything has just worked itself out, even though you are completely aware that it’s only for this small moment in time, and the next tick of the clock will bring another issue? It’s like standing on a cliff, totally ready to jump, and everything is beautiful and clear and lovely, but you turn your head to the side and suddenly your stomach plummets south and your hands tremble and the world is wrong again.

That’s how I would describe today. I have all of these problems that have been solved (car is still running, I now am working at the same place Megg does and I love it so far, our A/C is fine, I’m close to on good terms with most everyone around me) but at the same time there are millions of potential problems that are just waiting in the shadows for me to lose focus, lose my mind, so they can pounce.

I wish I could find a way to forget that the potential problems exist, but once you know something you can never un-know it. It’s a shame, really.

Posted by: shellyweave | August 11, 2010

11:48PM

I had a whole concept and idea for what I was going to say today. I even began writing it and had it most of  the way complete, but I decided (as a result of my computer crashing before I could save most of the draft) that something simple could mean a lot more then another lengthy “what’s happening in Meghan’s brain” post.

So tonight, I come to you, my dear blog, humble.  I come to you baring all but having nothing to bare. I come to you 167 some odd days out from graduation knowing that this is going to be a long road. I come understanding that a few weeks in, I already feel swamped and yet oddly, underwhelmed. I come knowing that whatever happens in the course of this year, will impact severely the path of my future. Friends that remain friends (and enemies that remain enemies) during this year, could be friends (and enemies) for a lifetime. Memories created during this year, could be memories I cherish forever. This year could help me grow up. This year could show me more than I can know right now.

Or, this year could bring me absolutely none of that. I will never know, not until I allow myself to experience what life has to throw at me. So far, I have dealt with incomprehensible amounts of drama, overwhelming feelings of love, loss, friendship, excitement, discouragement, happiness, sadness and the broadest spectrum of emotions a year has brought me so far ( that might be pushing it, but I just couldn’t help but finish the sentence that way–it is the AP writer in me).

I am determined not to let a moment go to waste. I don’t want all of those emotions stacking up on me, and causing me to blink and miss something that could have been so worth while. I don’t know what I need, but I know what I want to need, and I want to need to make the most of this year, and I am set on starting that goal today.

Posted by: shellyweave | August 8, 2010

if could say it to your face.

This is me, telling you what I think. I can’t do it any other way, and I know this is lame and cheesy and you will probably never see it. Ever. But this is me telling you what I wish I could say to your face.

You honestly suck. Not because you are a bad person or a bad friend or a bad anything. You are actually kind of damn great which is why everything is so stupid. But you do suck, and my reasoning behind you sucking should be pretty clear. You can’t fess up anything to me. You can’t tell me what you are thinking. You can’t talk to me face to face and just let all the crap finally end. At least on my end, I need it to finally end. So this is my way of letting it end. I need to not have you call me at 2 am and play me music or ask me if you make me happy or come to my house to watch movies with me, but not really talk to me the whole time. Truly, those situations are what sucked.

Because I was done. I really was.

I ex-ed you out of my life for 4 months, and I was finally fine. I was done. I was good, and I didn’t need to ever have you be in my life anymore. Then you had to become my friend again. Which Shelly always said was a bad idea. Its not like you aren’t a good friend, but honestly I don’t think there was a way for us to ever be friends because it’s just not the rule of nature. Ex’s can’t  be friends. It just doesn’t work. Someone always carries baggage. But, you were my friend before you were anything to me, so I thought it could. I decided I needed you in my life, I decided I wanted you in my life, because my life without you just wasn’t as fun.

Things were fine, and I think we were great friends. Personally, you were one of my best, which is why this also sucks so much. There were a few moments where I felt that things weren’t done with us, but I just blew them off knowing we were just friends and you liked Kate, or some other girl at the moment (because you bounced around a little).

Then a few weeks ago, an idea was planted in my head that I wasn’t over you, and I thought that was ludicrous. I didn’t like you, because you have sucked for our whole friendship– but so have I. You have been dumb and you have done stupid things to me (none of which matter now) but honestly, we were kidding ourselves. I have sucked too, I have been dumb and done stupid things to you. But, then I thought that maybe I did still like you, and that was why I couldn’t just let you go. So things just went crazy in my head, and now I finally know that this is what has to be done.

I will never know how you feel about our crazy situation (that you probably don’t see as that crazy). I’ll never know because you’ll never tell me. You don’t communicate, you aren’t worried about the other side of the picture, and you just leave things hanging, and I am just not the type of person that can deal with that.

But as much as you suck, I suck more. You know why? Because I let myself fall into those situations every single time they happened. I had people telling me that I was getting myself stuck deeper into trouble, but it was no big deal to me (I didn’t see it that way). I saw us as finally a bend in the rule that is life. Finally, I could have a friend I could tell things to who knew so much about me. But, now that I think about it, maybe you didn’t know that much about me, but only what you saw, or chose to see or possibly what I showed you.

You never saw me in complete happiness, you never heard me sing. You never saw me through a rough time, or saw me truly cry. You never saw my paintings or drawings and you never knew what most made me happy, or what I valued to be most important. Part of that was my fault, because there was always something holding me back.

We never hung out that much as friends, moments were awkward, and I could never tell you what I was really thinking. We talked about a lot of things, and told each other a lot of things, but we didn’t talk about things that made us tick, or moments that were life defining. We were surface friends, and I blame myself a lot for that. I think you knew a lot about me, but I don’t think you understood what made me that way or why I was that way, or the true essence of it all. (Not that boys usually do, so I don’t blame that on you).

But, none of what I have said really is what matters. What matters is the moment I told you that I didn’t think friendship was going to work out with us, you didn’t even fight for my friendship. I wasn’t asking for more, I didn’t even want more. I don’t know what I wanted, but I know that just friendship wasn’t it. But you didn’t even fight. You didn’t even question. You just let  me go. Which is why I know that we aren’t meant to be friends, because a best friend never truly stops caring for their friend. I don’t know how you saw me as a friend, but I’d like to think I was a pretty good one. And a pretty good friend is not one that you should let go.

This is all the things that I have always thought and could never tell you. These are things that as a silly girl I thought about when I had to think of you. These are the things that shouldn’t matter, but matter so much. I know you are you and you will probably be reading this (if you ever read this) with James or someone laughing at the silly things that I am saying, and how ridiculous I am.

But to me, what I think and what I feel isn’t ridiculous.

So, if you need to, you can laugh. You can blow this off, or you can just sit there and skim, not even really reading what I am saying. I don’t care what you do. But I do care that I FINALLY got to say all the things that I had to say to you. I just wonder sometimes what you were thinking through all this. You have your own life, that I was never really a part of. I have mine, that never really included you. I know what I thought to be true, but never what you thought. I just think there was still a barrier, and we never really broke it down.

So mister, this is the end. I got to say my peace and it feels really good. Part of me knows that you will never read this, but the other part of me kind of hopes you do, just so you can see a little perspective and see where I am coming from. You have college, and life and things to deal with, and I know that I am not one of the things that is most important to you or most important to many. But, I just think this all had to be said. There is so much I could say about all the good, but that is unspoken–there is no need to repeat the things that I remember as good. Only the things  that you never really knew. I’m sure I will think of something I left out and this will never fully replace what it would be like for me to tell you to your face, but again, this is as good as I’m going to get.

I just wish you had fought a little. Then it would have been important to you. I know I am not  the best, or the nicest, or the most perfect friend. But I know I am a good one and I think that is what matters.

So, do svidaniya.

(Even after all this, I can’t  help but just think that if you read this, you will read this and not act. You have never acted with me. Or just taken charge and done something you wanted. But, at least I can laugh and know how reliable you are).

Posted by: shellyweave | August 7, 2010

(insert title here).

I have no inspiration for you lately little site! With work, school, drama and troubles, I just don’t have any time to sit down and write to you any more. Not that I won’t continue trying though. So here is a little update on my life, short and simple:

Work is work. I got my first pay check yesterday which was one of the most exciting things in the world! Money is fabulous.

School is school. I have half days and they are glorious. I get more and more accustomed to them every day, and I am so in love with them. I may be getting the high school paper’s A&E editor position, so fingers crossed on that one.

Drama is always just drama. Life is dramatic, but I won’t spill it out on here for obvious reasons (when I’m 40 and running for President I don’t want this to come back to haunt me)… because OBVIOUSLY I will be running for President.

And lastly, troubles are not always troublesome. I think I have been creating a lot of my own troubles lately, just making things out to be worse than they seem. Having a head full of confusing things going on is the perfect situation for creating mind trouble. I won’t rant too much, but sometimes I just wish I wouldn’t make life so complicated, but that is what makes it life.

As for today, I’m sick. I have been laying around for the day watching Disney movies with an old friend (except for the mini break I took to Shelly’s) being lazy and silly. I am now in my pj’s and am trying to recount the day. Recently, I have heard that if you can keep a journal of positive things that happened throughout your day and then revisit them later that day or the next day, you will overall be a happier person. I’m not sure why this is relevant, but I feel like if any day I needed to start that journal it would be today.

Lastly blog, I wish you could just know what I am thinking. I have never been one to hold anything back, but today, I have that ability in me. Today, I am a confused adolescent who wishes she were an adult so she could figure everything out. So, I will end this post knowing that I can go into my room, snuggle with my kitty covered blanket and my Teddy Bear (which I may or may not have to replace) and just accept the fact that I will not know the answers to anything for a very long time.

The decisions we make today will always have some effect on our future, but for today, I just want to lay down and wallow in my sickness and maybe tune in to a Harry Potter marathon.

Posted by: shellyweave | August 2, 2010

january 24th, 2011 cannot come sooner.

The air conditioning in our house decided it no longer wanted to work over the weekend, which to most people means mildly uncomfortable days but cool nights so it’s totally cool. To people in Arizona it means death and destruction. It is way too hot outside to ever consider staying, and lately for some odd reason it’s also been humid which is just another ingredient in the recipe for disaster.

So my two sisters, mom, and I have been sharing a hotel room for three days. And it started off well. It was exciting and fun and like a little mini vacation just minutes from our house, what a joy!

But then hell cracked open and released every demon and curse it possessed in a flood of sulfurous terror. Without getting into details, just in case my mom or sisters found this page (heaven help me when that happens), I was dramatic, my mom was dramatic, and my sisters thossed in their own little doses of drama as well, JUST FOR KICKS AND GIGGLES.

All I can say is that they better have the AC fixed tomorrow or someone is going to die. I cannot possibly take much more of this insanity.

SILVER LINING: 174 DAYS UNTIL I AM 18. Praise the Lord.

Posted by: shellyweave | July 31, 2010

how rude.

Having high expectations just allows for an even greater fall. It sucks when you believe in something or someone and you get let down, especially when you are really excited for it.

I feel like Stephanie from Full House after she gets up the courage to ask out her crush then he stands her up. I had a date. I got blown off. My life is amazingly pathetic, and I’m glad tiny blog that you never stand me up. This time next week blog? I’ll be back to rant about more of my life’s silliness and apparent tragedy.

Posted by: shellyweave | July 29, 2010

i am a senior.


I have at last made it to the crescendo of all my public school years. Yes, folks, since I was just a wee six year old in a red plaid uniform in the swamps of Louisiana, I have been dreaming and waiting for this year. And boy is it going to be a wondrous one. My schedule? Perfect. My teachers? Fabulous. My classmates? Awesome. My parking spot? Freaking beautiful!

I am excited people. You should be too. Happy Shelly is a pleasant and creative Shelly. And that Shelly can manage to write posts more often. Because I’m aware that the only thing you have important in your life is to read our dinky little blog right? You don’t have significant others, jobs, school, or friends.

It’s just Megg and I for you. Understandable. We are pretty fantastic.

KBYE.

Posted by: shellyweave | July 24, 2010

quotes that make my soul smile.

(OH HAI. That’s my arm. In the grass of Jenness Park. Where I attended camp last week. It was beautiful. And I could wear a hoodie comfortably. IN FREAKING JULY YOU GUYS!)

Meghan has taken on the quotes job here on Deux Voix, so I decided that I should get my own post devoted to the quotes that I delight in. So here it goes friends!

“Maybe it’s more like you said before, all of us being cracked open. Like, each of us starts out as a watertight vessel. And these things happen— these people leave us, or don’t love us, or don’t get us, or we don’t get them, and we lose and fail and hurt one another. And the vessel cracks open in places. And I mean, yeah, once the vessel cracks open, the end becomes inevitable. Once it starts to rain inside the Osprey, it will never be remodeled. But there is all this time between when the cracks start to open up and we finally fall apart. And it’s only in that time that we can see one another, because we see out of ourselves through the cracks and into others through theirs. When did we see each other face-to-face? Not until you saw into my cracks and I saw into yours. Before that, we were just looking at ideas of each other, like looking at your window shade but never seeing inside. But once the vessel cracks, the light can get in. The light can get out.”

-Paper Towns, John Green.

“I’m not young enough to know everything.”
-Oscar Wilde

“To love and to be loved is to feel the sun from both sides.”
-Davis Viscott

“Many persons have a wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness. It is not attained through self-gratification but through fidelity to a worthy purpose.”
-Helen Keller

“The man who doesn’t read good books has no advantage over the man who can’t read them.”
-Mark Twain

“But when I call upon my Dashing Self,
out comes the same Old Lazy Self,
and so I never know just Who I Am,
nor how many I am, nor Who We Will Be Being.
I would like to be able to touch a bell
and call up my real self, the truly me,
because if I really need my proper self,
I must not allow myself to disappear.”
-Pablo Neruda (We Are Many)

Just a few that I really enjoy. Particularly the excerpt from Paper Towns, because John Green is one of my heros. NERDFIGHTERIA!

Posted by: shellyweave | July 19, 2010

home.

So you know that feeling when you’ve been in the car for hours and hours of boring highway, peppered with cactus and dry brush, and you’re just about fed up with it, but suddenly a sign appears that you recognize? It might say the name of your state, or it might be the sign from the first gas station that doesn’t have California’s outrageous prices, but the slightly more subdued prices of Arizona. Or perhaps it’s the <– Phoenix / Los Angelos –> sign that I look forward to every time I come back from camp. Because at that point, I know it’s just a little bit more, another Nacho Libre or Napoleon Dynamite.

And after one of the most incredible weeks of my life, I still needed that sign. But it was only half as awesome as seeing my mom standing on the church sidewalk, clapping and jumping up and down after a fifteen hour drive and several scares (and a trip to the hospital for one of our boys after a bad reaction to come meds). This last week at camp was beautiful, and several amazing and inspiring things happened, but it is so good to be back in my own bed where I can text Meghan and talk to my mom and get on Facebook and do all the other distracting things that a week without was just enough to make me realize I could survive, but not enough to make me give them all up.

I missed this site too. It’s good to be back, DV.

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