if could say it to your face.

This is me, telling you what I think. I can’t do it any other way, and I know this is lame and cheesy and you will probably never see it. Ever. But this is me telling you what I wish I could say to your face.

You honestly suck. Not because you are a bad person or a bad friend or a bad anything. You are actually kind of damn great which is why everything is so stupid. But you do suck, and my reasoning behind you sucking should be pretty clear. You can’t fess up anything to me. You can’t tell me what you are thinking. You can’t talk to me face to face and just let all the crap finally end. At least on my end, I need it to finally end. So this is my way of letting it end. I need to not have you call me at 2 am and play me music or ask me if you make me happy or come to my house to watch movies with me, but not really talk to me the whole time. Truly, those situations are what sucked.

Because I was done. I really was.

I ex-ed you out of my life for 4 months, and I was finally fine. I was done. I was good, and I didn’t need to ever have you be in my life anymore. Then you had to become my friend again. Which Shelly always said was a bad idea. Its not like you aren’t a good friend, but honestly I don’t think there was a way for us to ever be friends because it’s just not the rule of nature. Ex’s can’t  be friends. It just doesn’t work. Someone always carries baggage. But, you were my friend before you were anything to me, so I thought it could. I decided I needed you in my life, I decided I wanted you in my life, because my life without you just wasn’t as fun.

Things were fine, and I think we were great friends. Personally, you were one of my best, which is why this also sucks so much. There were a few moments where I felt that things weren’t done with us, but I just blew them off knowing we were just friends and you liked Kate, or some other girl at the moment (because you bounced around a little).

Then a few weeks ago, an idea was planted in my head that I wasn’t over you, and I thought that was ludicrous. I didn’t like you, because you have sucked for our whole friendship– but so have I. You have been dumb and you have done stupid things to me (none of which matter now) but honestly, we were kidding ourselves. I have sucked too, I have been dumb and done stupid things to you. But, then I thought that maybe I did still like you, and that was why I couldn’t just let you go. So things just went crazy in my head, and now I finally know that this is what has to be done.

I will never know how you feel about our crazy situation (that you probably don’t see as that crazy). I’ll never know because you’ll never tell me. You don’t communicate, you aren’t worried about the other side of the picture, and you just leave things hanging, and I am just not the type of person that can deal with that.

But as much as you suck, I suck more. You know why? Because I let myself fall into those situations every single time they happened. I had people telling me that I was getting myself stuck deeper into trouble, but it was no big deal to me (I didn’t see it that way). I saw us as finally a bend in the rule that is life. Finally, I could have a friend I could tell things to who knew so much about me. But, now that I think about it, maybe you didn’t know that much about me, but only what you saw, or chose to see or possibly what I showed you.

You never saw me in complete happiness, you never heard me sing. You never saw me through a rough time, or saw me truly cry. You never saw my paintings or drawings and you never knew what most made me happy, or what I valued to be most important. Part of that was my fault, because there was always something holding me back.

We never hung out that much as friends, moments were awkward, and I could never tell you what I was really thinking. We talked about a lot of things, and told each other a lot of things, but we didn’t talk about things that made us tick, or moments that were life defining. We were surface friends, and I blame myself a lot for that. I think you knew a lot about me, but I don’t think you understood what made me that way or why I was that way, or the true essence of it all. (Not that boys usually do, so I don’t blame that on you).

But, none of what I have said really is what matters. What matters is the moment I told you that I didn’t think friendship was going to work out with us, you didn’t even fight for my friendship. I wasn’t asking for more, I didn’t even want more. I don’t know what I wanted, but I know that just friendship wasn’t it. But you didn’t even fight. You didn’t even question. You just let  me go. Which is why I know that we aren’t meant to be friends, because a best friend never truly stops caring for their friend. I don’t know how you saw me as a friend, but I’d like to think I was a pretty good one. And a pretty good friend is not one that you should let go.

This is all the things that I have always thought and could never tell you. These are things that as a silly girl I thought about when I had to think of you. These are the things that shouldn’t matter, but matter so much. I know you are you and you will probably be reading this (if you ever read this) with James or someone laughing at the silly things that I am saying, and how ridiculous I am.

But to me, what I think and what I feel isn’t ridiculous.

So, if you need to, you can laugh. You can blow this off, or you can just sit there and skim, not even really reading what I am saying. I don’t care what you do. But I do care that I FINALLY got to say all the things that I had to say to you. I just wonder sometimes what you were thinking through all this. You have your own life, that I was never really a part of. I have mine, that never really included you. I know what I thought to be true, but never what you thought. I just think there was still a barrier, and we never really broke it down.

So mister, this is the end. I got to say my peace and it feels really good. Part of me knows that you will never read this, but the other part of me kind of hopes you do, just so you can see a little perspective and see where I am coming from. You have college, and life and things to deal with, and I know that I am not one of the things that is most important to you or most important to many. But, I just think this all had to be said. There is so much I could say about all the good, but that is unspoken–there is no need to repeat the things that I remember as good. Only the things  that you never really knew. I’m sure I will think of something I left out and this will never fully replace what it would be like for me to tell you to your face, but again, this is as good as I’m going to get.

I just wish you had fought a little. Then it would have been important to you. I know I am not  the best, or the nicest, or the most perfect friend. But I know I am a good one and I think that is what matters.

So, do svidaniya.

(Even after all this, I can’t  help but just think that if you read this, you will read this and not act. You have never acted with me. Or just taken charge and done something you wanted. But, at least I can laugh and know how reliable you are).